I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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