When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
