Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
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As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
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my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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