Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
