I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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