Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
