I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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