I didn't shave. On purpose
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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