also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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