I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We have started to decorate penises.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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