Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
