Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
