Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
