dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize