Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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