Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
