and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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