i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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