i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
