it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
