Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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