Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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