i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
