the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
