drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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