yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
