I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
