I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Sext me about skeletons
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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