i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
