I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
