Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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