I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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