I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
