Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
