so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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