I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
