Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
