The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
