I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Someone came in the potted fern
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
