The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
