my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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