Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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