the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
