she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
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how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
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I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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