Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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