I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
