I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
