I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
