I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
