I wish I could teleport
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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