There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
