just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
