I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
