I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
